


It’s Time To Begin, Isn’t It?

by rightonthelimit



Category: Glee
Genre: AU, Anal, Angst, Circus!Klaine, Fingering, Fluff, Kissing, M/M, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-17
Updated: 2012-09-17
Packaged: 2017-11-14 11:35:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,646
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/514803
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rightonthelimit/pseuds/rightonthelimit
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sick of their lives at home, Kurt and Blaine decide to run away to join the circus. They fall for each other the moment they meet, but will their troubled pasts keep them from voicing these feelings out loud?</p>
            </blockquote>





	It’s Time To Begin, Isn’t It?

**Author's Note:**

> Prompted by anon on Tumblr :)

**A/N: Please do not repost, recreate or translate.**

**It’s Time To Begin, Isn’t It?**

Blaine Anderson is 18 years, 2 months and 9 days old when he joins the circus.

Performing has always been his passion, his drive, something that makes him feel like he’s truly alive. And one day, when Blaine wipes the tears from his swollen eyes and listens to his parents argue downstairs over how much of a disgrace it is that their youngest son is  _gay,_ Blaine decides that performing should be the sole reason he is alive because being shamed and insulted and ignored couldn’t be any part of his greater good. It just couldn’t be. Blaine is more than that.  
  
He runs away from his abusive family and ignorant older brother - who is always too busy getting praised by said family to notice Blaine’s distress - and leaves nothing but a note in his wake.

Blaine is 18 years, 2 months and 9 days old when he falls in love with Kurt Hummel.

 

* * *

Kurt Hummel is 18 years, 10 months and 7 days old when his father dies and he decides to travel along with the circus.

Attending his sick father's needs have been the only reason Kurt to held on to a normal, daily life for so long. After Burt Hummel dies Kurt no longer has anything left to care for, no one to love, no one who loves him in return. In the second week of Kurt’s depression he packs his bags, sells his belongings, takes his father’s favorite wrist watch and a picture of him and leaves their house for the last time.

Kurt is 18 years, 10 months and 7 days old when he finds hope in Blaine Anderson.

 

* * *

They meet for the first time in the trailer they are supposed to share. It’s not very big but it’s more than both of them had expected – both only have little to offer the circus right now after all. They are to start their training tomorrow. Kurt and Blaine shake hands, kindly introduce themselves, drop their bags on their beds and speak no more.

Blaine wonders to himself if Kurt is gay as well, watching Kurt from the corner of his eye, not even regretting giving up his big bedroom at his parent’s home because this small trailer where they could barely move already felt more like home than the house he grew up in did.  
  
Kurt is beautiful and Blaine secretly thinks to himself that Kurt's voice is the nicest voice he's ever had the pleasure of hearing. He's a little bit taller than Blaine but Blaine doesn't mind, not at all, and he finds himself looking forward to tomorrow. He wonders why Kurt decided to join the circus but decides not to ask. He doesn't want to pry into Kurt's personal business no matter how much he longs to know everything about Kurt. He feels like they get along just fine and he doesn't want to ruin it.

Meanwhile, Kurt wonders to himself if Blaine is gay too, and then decides that there’s no point in it anyway because it will only hurt when Blaine eventually ends up leaving him too.

 

* * *

It’s two weeks, three days and six hours later when Kurt finds himself waking up alone in their trailer – Blaine’s bed is empty. Kurt doesn't see Blaine's silhouette in the darkness at all, nor does he hear Blaine's steady breathing that so very often has lulled him to sleep before.

Life as a circus artist is hard. His days are long and his training is rough. His talent is definitely there, Kurt knows this much and he knows that Blaine is good as well but he doesn't see Blaine as competition at all. He sees Blaine as his partner and he likes being around Blaine.  
  
It’s just that Kurt’s muscles always ache so much at night from helping everyone breaking the tents off and building them up again at the crack of dawn that he knows how important sleep is to the both of them as aspiring acrobats. No one likes an acrobat who falls asleep during work, after all.

So then where is Blaine?

Kurt sighs and pushes himself up and out of bed. He finds a cardigan from his bag – still packed, his entire life is in these suitcases and bags – and inhales the scent of the cologne he used to wear. It’s stuck in the soft fabric of the cardigan and it smells of home, wherever that may be. Nowadays, Kurt doesn’t wear cologne at all. With all the sweating he does he only wears deodorant.

Kurt puts on his cardigan and steps out of the trailer, carefully closing the door behind him. He shivers in the cool spring breeze and wraps his arms tightly around his own waist, sniffling a bit. This is stupid and he shouldn’t be doing this. Blaine is a kind person to be around with, maybe a bit too cheerful every now and then, but Kurt shouldn’t get too attached.

Truth is that Kurt just can’t sleep very well without Blaine there. Kurt had noticed this for the first time a week ago, when Blaine had snuck out of their trailer as well and decided to sit in front of the caged lions to just stare at them, watch them sleep. Kurt had sat down next to Blaine after finding him and they hadn’t spoken a word that night.

In this knowledge, Kurt nonetheless decides to walk to the lion cages and sure enough, there’s Blaine. His hair is a mess just like Kurt’s is and Kurt inhales a deep breath and sits down next to Blaine. The grass smells clean, earthy. It's a scent Kurt has grown to love.

They both stare at a single lion in silence. It stares back, completely calm, by now aware of that nasty little habit humans seemed to have. When Kurt glances at Blaine he is shocked to see Blaine is crying, silently, and it's quite beautiful when he’s open like this. Blaine doesn’t sob, doesn’t sniffle a lot. He just lets the tears roll over his face.

‘How long have we been here, Kurt?’ Blaine asks him in a thick voice. Kurt lowers his eyes and stares at his own fingers, at his wrists. Blaine had clutched them when Kurt had caught him this morning, when they’d been so many feet up in the air with only a net there to catch them. It was their first time trying that out and they’ve been getting better and better in all their other exersizes. In three months they’d have their first performance together.

‘Two weeks,’ Kurt mumbles. Two weeks of only saying what is necessary to one another, two weeks of eating dinner in silence together. Two weeks of sleeping right next to one another without knowing a damn thing about each other’s past.

Now, Kurt wishes that he had in the very least asked.

‘Two weeks,’ Blaine repeats. He releases a hollow laugh and the sound sends shivers down Kurt's spine. It doesn't sound warm, not like Blaine's usual laugh, and Kurt finds that he hates the sound of this laugh. He doesn't like seeing Blaine unhappy and he wishes that he can change that. Kurt wishes he can be indifferent about this all, but he just can't. There's something about Blaine that  _makes_ him care. ‘I still haven’t heard a thing from my parents. Or my brother.’

‘I didn’t know you had a family,’ Kurt blurts. He didn't mean to be so blunt but it’s true. Most people who are a part of the circus don’t have a family or they're in the circus with the entire family. There is no way in between with all the traveling they do.

‘I do. I have grandparents and a mother and a father and a brother. They just never loved me. That’s why I left – because I couldn’t stand it anymore. Nothing I did was ever good enough.’  
  
Kurt's eyes narrow and he watches as Blaine wipes the tears from his cheeks. He was completely unashamed and it strikes a nerve in Kurt. How can Blaine be so stupid to think that anyone wouldn't love him? He honestly thought that he had it bad while Kurt was stuck in Lima with a sick father to take care of and bills to pay?

‘Wow, you must’ve had it so hard.’ Kurt can’t help the bitter tone in his voice. Blaine pauses and they stare at each other for a while, the silence between them tense, loaded. Somewhere in the back of his mind, Kurt muses that it never has been like that before.

‘Excuse you?’ Blaine finally asks. Kurt narrows his eyes and realizes that in this moment, he really, really feels like punching Blaine. He feels hurt and strangely betrayed. Kurt honestly thought Blaine was just like him - troubled, orphaned.

‘It must’ve been a struggle, having to sleep in a warm bed every night. Not having to worry about getting kicked out of your house because you decided to pay your father's medical bills instead of the gas and electricity bills for a month, and it must've been such a  _pain_ to eat homecooked dinner together with your brother and mother and father, as a family. Because not being accepted is so much more difficult than losing your mom and dad at a young age, isn't it, Blaine?!’  
  
Kurt didn't mean to yell. He really didn't, but now tears were threatening to spill over because of the unfairness of it all, and old wounds quickly reopen themselves in that small moment and the pain of having to lose both his parents goes through Kurt so hard and so fast that for a moment it's hard to breathe.

They stare at each other for a while and Kurt watches as confusion and hurt and anger flit across Blaine’s face. He never has been good at hiding his emotions and Kurt is acutely aware of Blaine’s hands turning into fists by his sides. There’s a brief moment where Kurt thinks Blaine will hit him.

‘Exactly what are you aiming at? You have no idea -’

‘No, Blaine! You’re a spoilt brat! At least you have a family!’ Kurt snaps. The look of shock on Blaine’s face is heartbreaking and Kurt instantly knows he went too far. When Blaine pushes himself up and abruptly walks away, Kurt pushes himself up as well.   
  
‘Blaine!’

Blaine just keeps on walking, his shoulders tense.

Kurt sinks down to the ground again and hugs his knees to his chest, fighting the angry tears in his eyes. The lion blinks its orange eyes at Kurt as if saying  _great job, man._ Kurt thinks to himself that this is the exact reason why he didn’t want to get close to Blaine.

Kurt always ruins everything.

 

* * *

‘Hey,’ Kurt mumbles the following day during practice. Blaine is just stretching his arms and legs when looks over to Kurt with a sullen look in his eyes and it tugs at Kurt's heartstrings.  
  
Kurt feels ridiculous. After their fight - 'cause that's what it was, wasn't it? - Blaine has made it a point to avoid Kurt, and thinks that he has every right to. The way Kurt behaved himself last night hadn't been fair after all, but that doesn't change the fact that Kurt knows he at least has to apologize. He owes Blaine that.  
  
Blaine isn't stupid and if he really did leave his family, his undoubtedly good, stabile life at home then things must've been horrible. Blaine just doesn't seem like the person who rushes into these kinds of things, not to Kurt, and although Kurt had always been loved dearly by his parents he knows that not being accepted is hard. He's been bullied for years, for God's sake - it fucking  _hurts_ to be told over and over again that you're wrong, that you're not worth it.  
  
Kurt can't imagine what it's like when you not only have to experience it outside your home, but inside your home as well. He suspects it's like torture and he feels really ashamed of himself. 

‘Hi,’ Blaine replies almost shyly. He looks vulnerable, with his brown eyes wide and the corners of his mouth twitching up in a half smile. He looks  _sad_ and Kurt hates it. He doesn't like seeing Blaine like this and he hopes that one day, he'll have the pleasure of seeing Blaine smile again. He misses that certain light in Blaine's eyes.

‘I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have reacted the way I had,’ Kurt instantly says, deciding not to beat around the bush. Blaine shrugs his shoulders a bit sulkily and Kurt thinks that Blaine may be pouting right now. It’s strangely endearing. ‘It was… Unreasonable and mean. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I am jealous of you. Because you still have a family out there and I don’t. They all died. But considering you left them it must’ve been pretty bad.’

‘Pretty bad,’ Blaine parrots as if tasting those words in his mouth, sighing. He stops his pacing and looks at Kurt in  _that_ way, the same way that always makes Kurt feel those ridiculous butterflies in his belly, ‘I guess you can say that, yeah.’

Kurt sucks on the inside of his cheek, unsure what to say now. He didn’t really think about what to do after apologizing and he just feels awkward and out of place right now.

‘I just think it’s important that we trust each other, when we’re up there,’ Kurt states lamely with a vague gesture to the roof of the tent. He rubs a hand over the back of his neck and lowers his eyes. Looking Blaine in the eye is more difficult than expected.

Blaine stares at Kurt for a long time before he nods. He folds his arms over his chest and frowns a bit to himself.

‘I think we should talk,’ Blaine says after a moment of silence and the sentence makes Kurt’s stomach clench. His fists tighten and he swallows thickly, fearing that Blaine will now say that he doesn’t want to work with Kurt anymore. Kurt is uncertain why that thought terrifies him so much.

‘About what?’ Kurt manages to say. He had hoped that this would be enough – simply saying sorry. Blaine shrugs and looks far too nonchalant for someone who had an emotional breakdown yesterday. Kurt doesn’t think Blaine will ever stop surprising him.

‘If we want to do our act without a safety net, I want to know who catches me. I want to know  _you._ ’

Kurt blinks and he can feel his tense shoulders instantly relax. At least Blaine isn’t leaving. ‘Me?’ he asks stupidly nonetheless, because the idea of opening up to Blaine doesn't sit well with him.

‘You. I want to know who you were before joining the circus, and I want you to know who I used to be.’ Kurt stares at Blaine for a while, trying to come up with valid reasons why Blaine is wrong and why Kurt shouldn’t tell him anything. He can’t very well tell Blaine that he is terrified of losing him too, so in the end he just manages one simple question. 

‘Why should I tell you?’

Blaine shrugs again and Kurt thinks to himself that the simple gesture sometimes makes him want to smack Blaine. Blaine is way too calm for his own good.

‘Because telling me won’t kill you.’

And then he turns around and starts climbing the ladder. Kurt watches his body move for a second, utterly entranced and convinced that he will never meet anyone quite as peculiar, as beautiful as Blaine. He just wishes that Blaine will also be the only person he will never have to say goodbye to.

 

* * *

They spend the upcoming hours swinging around, catching each other and stretching their limbs gracefully. They’re sitting on the floor after they’re done, staring at each other in silence, sipping from their water bottles. Kurt studies the way Blaine’s hair is coming free from his gel and vaguely thinks to himself that Blaine looks best like this with sweat shining on his flushed skin, his chest heaving up and down, his eyes bright and his lips dark from all the biting he’s been doing on them. Blaine looks alive.

Kurt quickly lowers his eyes when he realizes that this is most likely the way Blaine looks when he makes love to someone.

He blushes when he realizes he wants to be that person and wonders to himself how he allowed to let it get so far. If he doesn’t distance himself from Blaine soon, Kurt will start falling for him.

If he didn’t already.

It seems that Blaine has different plans, though. Kurt stupidly blinks at Blaine’s hand when it’s suddenly in his line of vision and Kurt trails his eyes over Blaine’s wrist, up to his muscled arms – Kurt knows they both have grown a bit more muscled and fit, but that doesn’t change the fact that Blaine already had some muscle on him to begin with – to his collarbones, his neck… And then finally their eyes meet and Kurt knows what Blaine wants of him.

Kurt releases a soft breath and takes Blaine’s hand. He secretly likes how easy it is for Blaine to pick him up and how they both are strong enough to carry each other. It feels good, it feels like Kurt is able to protect Blaine and like Blaine is able to protect Kurt. He trusts this boy and that’s perhaps what both scares and pleases Kurt most.

They have held each other’s hands before, of course they have. They always clasp each other’s hands when they catch one another but the thing about it is that they usually let go afterwards.

Now, Blaine just gives Kurt this ridiculously gorgeous smile and guides Kurt out of the tent. He swings their linked hands in between their bodies and Kurt can’t help but stare, can’t help opening and closing his mouth but being incapable of saying something. It leaves him speechless and maybe just a bit tearful because no one has ever held his hand before. Not like this. Not the way Blaine does. Holding Blaine’s hand grounds Kurt and makes him feel taken care of, and it reminds him of the fact that this is the same boy who always catches him. The same boy who comes from a broken family and still forgave Kurt even if Kurt had said things that just weren’t acceptable.

The things Blaine makes Kurt feel are overwhelming and intimidating.

Blaine holds the door of their trailer open for Kurt and Kurt can’t help the silly smile that forms on his face at that. Blaine is a gentleman, that much Kurt has learned these past months. He suspects that Blaine comes from a wealthy home and for the first time Kurt doesn’t mind talking to Blaine about their pasts.

It means he will get to know Blaine better.

Kurt sits down on his bed and much to his surprise, Blaine sits down right next to him. His hand lands on Kurt’s knee and he squeezes it reassuringly. Kurt fumbles a bit with the hem of his shirt before he looks at Blaine. Blaine is close – closer than expected and it makes Kurt shiver. He licks his lips, briefly glances at Blaine’s and then turns his head away again.

And then he starts talking.

 

* * *

Kurt cries. Even after all this time he still isn’t over the death of his father, and he doesn’t think he ever will get over it. Blaine doesn’t say a word but it isn’t until they are lying in Kurt’s bed, Kurt in Blaine’s strong arms and his tearstreaked face pressed up against Blaine’s flat chest, that Kurt knows that Blaine mourns with him. He tells Blaine tales about his father and manages to laugh every now and then at funny memories, and then his smile dies down again when he realizes that he'll never make new memories with his father.

Blaine simply kisses Kurt’s forehead and allows Kurt to steal his body heat.

‘It’s not that I don’t trust you,’ Kurt finally admits in a whisper, ‘it’s just that I’m terrified of losing you too, that’s why I tried to keep from caring for you. I don’t think I can take losing anyone anymore.’

‘I’m not going anywhere,’ Blaine promises him.

And in that moment, as they lie there listening to each other breathing and clasp each other’s hands tightly again just because they can, Kurt believes that promise wholly.

He just hopes he won’t regret it in the future.

 

* * *

‘Don’t you think it’s strange?’ Blaine asks Kurt one day during practice, months later. Kurt blinks up from where he’d been staring at the safety net. Tonight is going to be their first performance together without it and there are already butterflies in his stomach at the mere thought of it. He tries not to overthink what can happen if Blaine won’t catch him because he  _knows_ Blaine will catch him, but the anxiety is making his head fuzzy. Kurt loves the spotlight but he prefers not to die while standing amidst those flashing lights.

‘What?’ Kurt asks. Blaine smiles and Kurt likes how his hazel eyes light up when he does. Yes, he trusts this boy completely. Kurt refuses to believe that there is anything bad about Blaine or his intentions.

‘You told me that night that you were afraid of losing me and that that was the reason why you tried to stop from caring about me. But if I had left and it had hurt you, doesn’t that mean that you already cared for me from the start?’

Kurt says nothing in reply because nothing he comes up with seems fitting. He shrugs.

‘I guess so.’

 

* * *

Kurt never thought that the sound of an audience cheering for him would terrify him.

All of his life he has wanted nothing more than this – to be able to stand on a stage and have a crowd there to see  _him,_ but now that Kurt is standing backstage, dressed in his unitard with glitter sprinkled across his skin, his stomach is doing backflips.

Kurt is terrified.

He doesn’t flinch when Blaine walks up behind him and releases a long sigh, but he does fumble a bit with his hands. They feel a bit dry but that’s good, that’s perfect. Sweaty palms can be lethal for the both of them right now because it made Kurt’s skin slippery.

Blaine looks just like Kurt does, only his unitard is in a darker shade of blue. He looks good, and all of his muscles come out nicely. And his ass… Kurt shakes his head to himself and rocks back and forth on his heels. He tries to calm himself down but it’s not working. Nothing is.

‘Has anyone ever literally died on stage?’ he finally asks without looking at Blaine. He can feel Blaine’s eyes on him regardless and he knows his question is stupid. Of course people have before. This is a dangerous act they are going to perform. Kurt’s heard of plenty of acrobats who fell down and died or worse, became handicapped.

Blaine glances at Kurt’s lips – Kurt notices him doing so in the corner of his eye, but much to his surprise, Blaine just smiles when he knows Kurt caught him. There’s been a certain tension between the two of them for a long time now and Kurt is uncertain if he is imagining things or if Blaine really,  _really_ likes him too.

‘Are you nervous?’ Blaine finally asks, sounding somewhat incredulous, and maybe amused too. Kurt’s eyes linger on him, the corner of his mouth twitching up and then he tears his eyes off Blaine again with a silly smile on his face. This is better. Blaine always does this  _thing_ to him.

‘Please don’t judge me, this is the first time we’re doing it without a safety net. I have this nightmare that my palms are suddenly sweaty on stage and that either one of us slips or makes the wrong move even though we’ve practiced, and that we fall and…’ Kurt trails off, glancing at Blaine from the corner of his eye again when Blaine stretches his arms above his head and stretches for a moment. Kurt’s mouth grows dry at the sight of it.

Blaine truly is beautiful, Kurt thinks to himself. His body is amazing and he just has this gorgeous face, and such delicious looking lips.

Blaine finally turns said handsome head and is still smiling at Kurt and Kurt starts feeling a little bit silly.

‘Okay, you can judge me,’ he sighs.

‘I think it’s adorable,’ Blaine says and Kurt blinks at him because okay, he’d been expecting anything but not  _that_. ‘I think  _you’re_ adorable. And the only people that are going to be dying tonight…’

Blaine is suddenly so close, and he places his hands on Kurt’s shoulders and kneads his tense muscles there. Kurt shivers and licks his dry lips. Blaine’s hands feel good on his body and his voice is so deliciously low when he speaks to Kurt like this. He can feel Blaine’s pelvis press into his backside and a soft whimper falls from Kurt’s lips when he  _feels_ Blaine’s lips form the words he mumbles into Kurt’s ear. ‘…Are the people in that audience. Because you and I…’

Blaine’s hand slides down and rests right above Kurt’s fluttering heart and Kurt vaguely thinks to himself that even though Blaine is just trying to assure him, this has to be one of the most intimate moments of his life,  ‘…Are going to  _kill_ this thing.’

Kurt brings up a trembling hand to rest on top of Blaine’s and he swears to himself that he is not turned on, that it’s just adrenaline going through him, and that when he leans back into Blaine’s body it’s not just so Kurt can feel Blaine more closer to him. He tells himself that Blaine is just being a good friend to him and that there is nothing wrong about this.

Inwardly, Kurt knows this is a lie.

There’s a tremor that goes through Kurt’s body when Blaine kisses that patch of skin right behind his ear and he tightly presses his thighs together, hoping he won’t grow hard right now.

He gets saved by the sound of their names being announced to the crowd.

Blaine slowly pulls away from Kurt’s body and Kurt struggles to keep still and look unaffected, but there’s a lingering darkness in Blaine’s eyes, one that Kurt hasn’t seen before. He licks his lips nervously and smiles, and Blaine takes Kurt’s hand and kisses each of his knuckles.

‘Let’s break some legs,’ Blaine says and it shouldn’t have made the situation lighter the way it did. Kurt can’t help the laughter that bubbles up in his throat, just like he can’t help squeezing Blaine’s hand.

They go on stage and Kurt thinks to himself that he maybe has never loved anyone as much as he loves Blaine.

 

* * *

There’s a rush of adrenaline that goes through them both when they're doing their act, and they’re absolutely stupid with it by the time the show is over. Their hands are still linked when they're backstage again and they pass clowns and lion tamers and whatnot, and when Blaine suddenly stops and takes Kurt’s face in his hands and kisses Kurt, he doesn’t even  _think._

Blaine just feels so alive. He feels safe and loved and taken care of – Kurt caught him over and over again, and he always looks so graceful while doing so. Blaine knows this is real and he knows that what they have is genuine and  _good._ He loves this. He loves  _Kurt_ and the realization, along with the rush that comes from performing and getting a standing ovation from their crowd, makes Blaine courageous.

Kurt pauses at first, his hands gripping blindly at Blaine’s shoulders. There’s a brief moment where Blaine panics and feels like he should pull away but then Kurt’s kissing him back, hungrily and so passionate it makes Blaine’s heart sing. He can’t help the moan that spills from his lips, can’t help but press his body against Kurt’s until they have to pull away for air.

They stare at each other until it’s almost too much, and then Kurt smiles and takes Blaine’s hand.

‘Come on, let’s practice,’ Kurt whispers, by now a wellknown comment they use whenever they need an excuse to hold each other’s hand. But maybe it can be more than that, Blaine thinks, and maybe they have the possibility to become  _more_ to each other than just stage partners. And he really,  _really_ hopes they do.

Blaine allows Kurt to guide him to their trailer and there’s a brief moment of awkward silence before Blaine finally kisses Kurt again. He feels encouraged by Kurt’s expression, he feels safe in his arms. Above all, the way Kurt’s lips part for him and the way Kurt’s tongue dances with his own, makes him feel desired and even sexy. This is Blaine’s first sexual encounter with another boy and he feels good and right. He feels perfect.

‘Kurt, I -’  _You move me,_ Blaine wants to say,  _you complete me._ He wants to tell Kurt that he’s beautiful and that he has loved Kurt from the moment they met, but he can’t. Kurt just looks so vulnerable and open like this, so alive and happy. He doesn’t want to ruin this. Blaine rests his forehead against Kurt’s and closes his eyes, his lips stretching in a dopey smile. He wants all those disgustingly cute things couples do together but Blaine is uncertain if Kurt does too. He doesn’t know if Kurt wants Blaine to hold his hand in public, he doesn’t know if Kurt wants to slow dance with him under the moonlight.

But he does know that Kurt doesn’t ever want him to leave.

And Blaine vows to himself that he never will.

 

* * *

‘Are we together, Blaine?’ Kurt asks him one day, his cheeks flushed with extertion. Blaine pulls away for a while – his lips are already bruising and he is uncertain if he can handle the way Kurt’s looking at him right now – and stares at Kurt. Kurt looks so beautifully young like this, his hair messy from the way Blaine’s been running his fingers through it and his skin rosy.

Kurt looks vulnerable for a moment. It’s like he expects Blaine to laugh him in the face.

But Blaine just smiles.

‘I thought that was obvious,’ he simply says and he leans down for another kiss. Kurt visibly relaxes underneath him. ‘You’re never going to say goodbye to me.’

 

* * *

Blaine is 18 years, 5 months and 27 days old when Cooper Anderson is sitting in the crowd during one of their performances.

Cooper is the first to stand up and cheer for them after Kurt and Blaine are done performing, and he’s the last one still standing and applauding even after everyone sits down already. There are proud tears in his eyes, but that isn’t what Blaine notices. As soon as their eyes link, Cooper’s mere presence isn’t the only thing that makes Blaine’s hand tighten on Kurt’s and it’s not the only thing that makes Blaine release a choked sob and storm off stage.

What hurts Blaine most is that after all this time, it appears that Cooper is the only one who cares enough about Blaine to go out and find him.

 

* * *

‘Blaine – Blaine!’ Kurt exclaims, trying his best to keep up. There’s a man outside the tent and he’s following them and Kurt glances at him, before glancing back at Blaine. He can’t really see the man’s face in the darkness but he’s tall – taller than them both. There’s a brief moment of panic in him when Kurt realizes Blaine is running from that exact person _._

And Blaine still isn’t letting go of his hand.

‘Blaine!’ the man now calls too and Blaine turns around so fast and so sudden that Kurt knocks into him – they fall into a heap of limbs on the grass. The scent of Blaine’s sweat and gel and grass instantly invades Kurt’s senses and for a moment he stares into Blaine’s tearful eyes. He can feel Blaine’s heart hammering right against his own chest and Blaine sobs, he fucking  _sobs_ and it’s enough to make Kurt push himself up with a certain elegance only months of training could’ve given him.

He doesn’t help Blaine up. Instead, he marches over the man with a dangerous scowl on his face because whomever this man was, his mere presence  _hurt_ Blaine and Kurt couldn’t stand watching it.

‘Who the hell are you?’ Kurt demands when he’s standing right in front of him. The man frowns and Kurt can see how handsome he is from this close. His eyes are a light shade of blue and his hair is kind of messy, like he’s been running his hands through it. 

‘Look – Kurt, isn’t it?’ Kurt tilts his chin up and forces himself to ignore the flush on his face, focusing on looking as confident as possible. Somewhere behind him he can hear Blaine saying something but he ignores it. ‘It’s great that you’re sticking up for him, but I really need to talk to Bl-’

‘I think him practically running away from you makes it pretty obvious that he doesn’t want to talk to you.’ Kurt can’t help but grow angry. Perhaps he’s being overprotective, but he’s always been like this over Blaine. He’s Blaine’s boyfriend for God’s sake. It was his job to be.

There’s frustration on the man’s face but when he tries to get past Kurt, Kurt just stands in front of him again, blocking his way.

‘Just please let me talk to -’

‘If he wants to talk then he’ll come to you.’

The man tries to sidestep Kurt again. Kurt again blocks his way and the man releases a frustrated noise. When he grips Kurt by the shoulders and tries to push him away, it’s Blaine’s voice that keeps Kurt from punching the taller male in the face.

‘Don’t touch him, Cooper!’

The man named Cooper pauses and his eyes linger on Kurt’s for that moment longer before they both finally look at Blaine. Blaine’s a mess, Kurt can see it. His lips are quivering and there’s this line between his eyebrows. He’s frowning so badly and Kurt can’t tell if he’s mad or afraid or sad. There’s so much emotion in his eyes.

‘B,’ Cooper says and then he suddenly sounds tearful as well. Blaine releases a choked little sob and this time, Kurt can’t stop Cooper from walking over to Blaine. He can’t stop Cooper from all but running over to Blaine and Kurt can’t help the pang of jealousy in his chest that twists like a knife in his heart when Blaine wraps his arms around Cooper in a tight, desperate embrace.

He can only watch and think to himself that they look good together. And that maybe, just maybe, this is Blaine’s ex boyfriend. There’s now so much going through Kurt that he fails to remember that Blaine told him he's never even been with anyone before Kurt.

Blaine looks small in Cooper’s arms. He has to lean a bit on the tips of his toes in order to be able to hook his chin over Cooper’s shoulder even though Cooper’s already leaning down for him. Kurt can’t help the jealous anger that bubbles up in him when Cooper’s hands slide over Blaine’s back and rub comforting circles over it through the thin fabric of Blaine’s costume -  costume, Kurt reminds himself, they just got off stage after their beautiful performance and then suddenly this guy decides to show up – and the sound of Blaine’s soft sobs are carried by the wind.

There are just a couple of words that Blaine utters, that make Kurt suddenly understand it all.

‘You came,’ Blaine sobs, ‘you came – mom and dad, why didn’t…? Why did no one come and find me, Coop?’

Cooper is here to bring Blaine home. And even after all this time, after their performances together, Blaine wants nothing more than to come home with Cooper.

It hurts. It really, really hurts. Kurt can’t help the pain inside of his chest and he doesn’t even say anything to the two males when he turns around and walks away. Kurt can’t figure out what’s worst. Hearing Cooper say ‘I love you so much, and I’ve been looking for you all across the country and I’m so so sorry for everything I put you through’, knowing that Blaine’s been hiding this secret for Kurt for so long or feeling that Blaine lied.

Turned out they were going to say goodbye after all.

 

* * *

Kurt can’t sleep. He feels sick with everything and no matter how much he tosses and turns, he can’t get into a comfortable position. After punching his pillow a couple of times he can’t help the sob that tears from his throat either. He can’t even stop himself from pressing his face into his pillow and crying until his head starts hurting.

It’s hard to describe what goes through Kurt in that moment. He feels jealous, obviously. Intimidated because how can Kurt ever compete with someone as beautiful as Cooper? Someone who Blaine obviously has emotional ties with, someone who knew Blaine before Kurt did? Kurt tries to tell himself that Cooper being here doesn’t necessarily mean that Blaine is going to leave.

But if he thinks logically, if he thinks to the way Blaine clung to Cooper’s shoulders and the way Cooper said he loved Blaine, Kurt knows that that is a vain hope.

‘Kurt?’ Blaine whispers when he finally comes in. He leaves the lights off and his voice sounds hoarse but Kurt doesn’t reply. This is the first time he ignores Blaine. ‘Kurt – please? I know you’re awake.’

Kurt closes his eyes tightly. Maybe if he doesn’t hear Blaine speak then Blaine can’t break up with him. Blaine has good manners and Kurt knows he won’t leave without knowing that Kurt understands how or why.

But Kurt knows why already. It’s just that Blaine doesn’t know Kurt does.

It’s Kurt’s sob that gives him away. Suddenly Blaine’s in his bed and Kurt can’t help but think of that night months ago and before he knows it he’s clutching Blaine’s shirt and he’s begging him to stay.

‘Please, please don’t go – you’re all I have, please,’ he chokes, ‘I – I know, I know he’s better than me, I know you’ve known him longer but  _please._ You’re my boyfriend, my partner – I can’t do this. I can’t have you leaving me too.’

Blaine tenses. ‘Leave you?’ he asks.

‘He’s – I know he looks better than me. I know you have a history together but I just -’

‘Kurt, what are you talking about?’ Kurt pauses. Blaine’s eyes glimmer in the darkness and Kurt inhales a sharp breath and shakes his head. He can't believe that Blaine is actually making him say these words out loud. It hurts enough to know them to be true.

‘Cooper is your ex, isn’t he?’ Kurt winces at the sound of Blaine’s sharp intake of breath. Any moment now, Blaine would get his bags and leave Kurt no matter how much he'll beg and scream and cry.

‘He’s my brother,’ Blaine finally says and at first Kurt doesn't comprehend it. At first he thinks that Blaine is joking and that he's so cruel for doing so, but then Blaine rubs Kurt's back the way Cooper had been rubbing his before, and Kurt can't help but memorize every word they'd exchanged. ‘Kurt, you thought..?’

Kurt bites his lip and nods, feeling ashamed of himself. Blaine’s knuckles brush over his cheek and the feeling of relief that overcomes Kurt is immense. He’s been doing so much crying that it’s ridiculous and what’s even more ridiculous is to think that Kurt had honestly thought that there would be a day where Blaine wouldn’t be there to wipe the tears away anymore.

Blaine stares at him and Kurt suddenly becomes intimately aware of the fact that he’s only wearing boxerbriefs. After returning to their trailer he’d been so upset that he just tore his costume off and went straight to bed without showering and changing into his pajamas.

Blaine’s fingers brush over Kurt’s bare side and they both gasp.

‘Kurt -’

‘Stay, please,’ Kurt whispers instantly and Blaine complies. He doesn’t say a word when Kurt takes his wrist and slowly guides Blaine to rest his hands on his hips, doesn’t complain when Kurt kisses Blaine. They’ve never been nude around each other before. They both never wanted to rush into things.

But this is different. This is Kurt needing confirmation, this is Blaine needing to let go of whatever it was that took place this night. This is them seeking comfort in each other, not as stage partners, not as friends, not as boyfriends but as lovers.

Their tongues slide over each other before Kurt pulls away with a soft moan. He can feel himself growing hard already and without thinking he grinds himself against Blaine, hearing him groan as well. His grip grows tighter on Kurt and it makes Kurt’s skin crawl in a way that’s entirely alright with him.

Kurt doesn’t care that he’s clueless as to where this is heading although he has a pretty good idea when Blaine settles between his legs and starts rocking their hips together. Kurt’s need is overwhelming and he mews and clings to Blaine’s broad shoulders, his eyes squeezing shut. He realizes he wants Blaine inside of him. He wants to be claimed and ensured that no one will ever take Blaine’s place again.

He wants Blaine to make love to him.

‘Please,’ Kurt gasps, his fingers digging into Blaine’s skin, ‘please, Blaine – I need -’

‘Okay,’ Blaine instantly says without needing to be told exactly what Kurt is begging for, ‘yeah. Okay.’

They awkwardly fumble with Blaine's unitard and each other's underwear until they’re completely bare to each other, and Kurt tries to stay still and keep from hiding himself even though he really wants to. Blaine just stares at him and Kurt vaguely hopes to himself that this won’t turn him off, but then Blaine  _groans,_ and it’s the most sexy thing Kurt’s ever heard, and he’s suddenly fisting Kurt’s cock. The touch is foreign and Kurt's mouth falls open, but he can't speak. Blaine's hand is a bit too dry but the drag of skin on skin is so  _good,_ and it leaves Kurt utterly breathless.

‘You’re so gorgeous,’ Blaine breathes. Their skin becomes slick with sweat as they move against each other and Kurt fumbles underneath his pillow, trying to reach the little bottle of lube he hides there. When he finds it, he holds it out to Blaine and moans as Blaine's thumb brushes over the head of his cock. Blaine pauses before he realizes Kurt doesn’t want to draw this out.

‘Are you sure?’ Blaine mumbles and Kurt nods. There will be plenty of times – at least, Kurt hopes so – in which they will be able to tease and turn each other on. Right now Kurt’s tired and emotional. He needs Blaine as close as possible, his mere presence like a healing balm to him.

They kiss and Kurt jolts when Blaine’s hands spread his legs, his cock twitching between his legs. Kurt throws an arm over his eyes and  _whines_ when Blaine traces his rim just briefly, just to let Kurt get used to the thought of being touched there, before he sinks it inside of Kurt. The wet noise the lube makes makes Kurt blush and he bites his lip to keep all those embarrassing noises from spilling from his mouth.

‘Kurt,’ Blaine mumbles and he adds a second finger, listening to Kurt’s sharp intake of breath. Kurt wants to cry again, but it’s not out of pain this time. He feels so open and vulnerable, and he really does think that he will fall to pieces if Blaine were to reject him right now. When Blaine pries his arm away from his face and their eyes meet, Kurt shivers and fresh tears pool in his eyes.

Kurt wants to say he loves Blaine. He wants to say that he’s relieved that Blaine won’t leave him and Kurt wants to tell him that Blaine is the love of his life. There are so many things Kurt needs to say but Kurt can’t get any words out. He’s too drained to come up with anything intelligent to say so when Blaine adds a third finger and crooks it inside of him, Kurt simply cries out, arches his back and tries to do everything in his power not to come.

Blaine’s lips are then on Kurt’s neck, sucking and nipping, marking him up. Blaine’s hands start fisting Blaine’s hair and he gasps and mews, shivering. The need to spread his legs overcomes Kurt so that’s what he does – he hooks them around Blaine’s waist and rocks up into his fingers, trying to fuck himself on them.

‘Are you-?’ Blaine asks and he hesitates even if he’s painfully hard, and Kurt loves that so much about him. Even if Blaine is needy and achy as well, he’s still trying to ensure that this is what Kurt wants and needs, he still wants to make sure he pleases Kurt.

‘Yes, yes, I’m ready, I need you in me, please Blaine,’ Kurt babbles, tiny shocks of pleasure making his skin crawl every time Blaine’s fingers brush against his prostate. It never felt this good when Kurt did it himself and he just lets himself enjoy it, enjoy Blaine’s body and the way it’s making Kurt’s body feel in return.

Kurt loves Blaine’s body, that much is obvious. They’ve often spent hours simply making out and feeling each other through layers of clothing, but this is so much more intimate. This is  _better._

Kurt can’t help but whine when Blaine slowly pulls his fingers out of him, feeling empty and open. He keeps his legs obediently spread and when the head of Blaine’s cock bumps into his swollen rim and their eyes meet, Blaine smiles softly and brushes his knuckles over Kurt’s cheek. Kurt can’t see it but he imagines that Blaine’s eyes are red and swollen too, from all the crying’s he’s done.

Maybe this is a stupid thing to do. Maybe they should wait and maybe Kurt should think this over – he just knows that it won’t make any difference. They’re both vulnerable right now and they both need each other.

And isn’t that what being together means? Taking care of each other?

Kurt wraps his arms around Blaine’s shoulders and digs his nails into Blaine’s back when Blaine slowly pushes in, his eyes squeezing shut and his virgin entrance twitching around Blaine’s thick girth. It hurts, Kurt decides, and it feels strange. Full.

‘I love you,’ Blaine mumbles into Kurt’s hair when he’s finally bottomed out, his balls pressed snugly against Kurt’s ass. Kurt nods, not sure if he’s capable of speaking, because all he knows and feels is  _Blaine Blaine Blaine._ He can taste Blaine on his tongue, can feel him on his skin, can feel him  _inside_.  His face presses into the crook of Blaine’s neck and he mews when Blaine rocks his hips back and forth slowly, coaxing his hole open. The stimulation is good, but Kurt knows it can be better.

‘Blaine, move,’ Kurt whines and Blaine presses him down in the matress and complies, building up a slow pace until he’s fucking into Kurt so hard he constantly slides up the bed, his legs spread wide while he just  _takes it._

There’s something animalistic about the way they move and the way they cling to each other, but Kurt doesn’t mind – doesn’t mind how raw his hole feels, doesn’t mind the bruises Blaine’s surely leaving behind on his hips. He can just focus on the constant slip inside of Blaine’s throbbing cock inside of him and it feels good, it feels amazing. Kurt feels full and safe in Blaine’s arms like this and he feels like their bodies are even more in sync than usual. He’s fucking his hips up in a constant attempt to keep Blaine inside of him but it doesn’t stop Blaine from pulling out too far every now and then. The head of his cock bumps into Kurt’s rim and Kurt can feel it flutter hungrily, eager to be filled again.

Their eyes meet and Kurt gasps in a breath. His throat is sore from all the noises he’s been making, noises he never thought he’d be capable of releasing in the first place. Kurt usually is so quiet when he masturbates.

‘You feel so good,’ Blaine murmurs, sounding in awe with Kurt. He rubs the head over Kurt’s entrance but he doesn’t push in, not yet, not even when Kurt’s a trembling, mewing mess underneath him. ‘I love you so much. You’re so beautiful…’

‘Please, please put it back in, I need – I  _want_ you inside me again, I -’ Kurt chokes on his own breath when Blaine suddenly pushes forward again, a long groan falling from both their lips. Kurt is close, he can tell it from the tightening in his balls and the telltale feeling in his belly.

‘I love doing this to you,’ Blaine admits somewhere next to Kurt’s ear, ‘I love that… God, you’re just taking it, aren’t you? And you look so good… Look so good getting fucked by me…’

Blaine’s babbling, Kurt knows that. They both barely know what they’re doing but it’s good, and Blaine’s groans and other noises only spur Kurt on more. Because he did that. He is the one who Blaine is fucking right now, and Blaine is hard because of him, and Kurt is going to make him come too.

The thought is so overwhelming that he comes untouched, clawing at the sheets and releasing a long, high pitched moan. Vaguely he can feel his body being jostled around until his face is pressed in the pillow and his ass is high in the air, and Blaine’s fucking him from behind, fucking him through his orgasm. Kurt can’t say a word and he just lies there, starry eyed and stupid.

Blaine’s hips smack loudly into Kurt’s ass and Kurt weakly reaches behind himself to pet at Blaine’s hard stomach, mewing. His abused hole feels raw but he doesn’t want Blaine to pull out, not even when Blaine comes and fills him up with come. Kurt can feel it deep inside of him, along with Blaine’s softening cock, but even when Blaine collapses on top of Kurt and he’s sort of heavy, Kurt clenches his hole around Blaine.

‘I love you too,’ Kurt murmurs, realizing he hadn’t said that to Blaine just yet. Blaine paused from where he’d been petting at Kurt’s hips and Kurt smiles to himself when Blaine laughs and presses a kiss against the back of Kurt’s head. It feels good to lie here together, naked, it feels natural and right. Kurt thinks to himself that if he could, he’d want to lie here for the rest of his life.

He doesn’t need to look in Blaine’s eyes to know that the other male fully agrees.

 

* * *

Kurt’s almost shy when Blaine introduces him to Cooper in the morning. He bites his lip, unsure of where to start – should he apologize? Should he say it’s great that Cooper went looking for Blaine? – but it seems that Cooper has no problem with that.

He reaches out, pulls Kurt into his chest and Kurt just sputters.

‘Thank you so much for taking care of my little brother,’ Cooper mumbles into Kurt's coiffed hair and the honesty in his voice is disarming. Kurt glances over Cooper's shoulder to look at Blaine and Blaine looks a bit awkward but eventually he smiles. Kurt wonders if Cooper is always this touchy, but he finds himself not minding it because even if he barely knows Cooper, Cooper is Blaine's  _brother_ and Blaine loves him and that's all Kurt has to know to be certain that he can trust Cooper.  
  
Plus, Cooper's hugs are kind of really awesome. If Kurt hadn't been so in love with Blaine, surely he'd fallen for Cooper too.

Kurt melts into the embrace with a sigh, thinking to himself that the last time he’s gotten an embrace from someone as tall as Cooper, it had been from his dad.

‘Coop – you can let go now,’ Blaine murmurs and Kurt blinks his eyes open. Is Blaine…? Yes, definitely, he’s definitely possessive Kurt realizes and he can’t help but snort. Cooper just clings onto Kurt tighter like he's some kind of teddy bear. It makes Kurt feel oddly soft, loved.

‘Hold on, let me just – there’s a lot of positive energy here that I want to bottle up…’

Cooper’s  _strange,_ Kurt soon learns after they finally part and sit down and talk. Cooper sees the world in a strange way and he’s often too cocky, and Kurt can’t help but marvel at how different the two brothers are. Cooper is very touchy so obviously Blaine got that from him – Kurt remembers the way Blaine constantly held his hand before they even got together with a fond smile on his face – and they both love to perform, but other than that…

They’re both beautiful without a doubt. Blaine’s beauty is more old fashioned, reminding Kurt of the old Hollywood movies he used to love so dearly, whereas Cooper’s more Disney prince-like. There really isn’t a way to define different types of beauty but Kurt thinks to himself that even if Cooper has to be the most handsome man to have ever set foot in this town – hell, who is he kidding, in this entire  _state –_ Blaine’s the most handsome man to have ever walked on  _earth._

Kurt twines his fingers with Blaine’s, squeezes Blaine's hand with a soft smile on his face and they share a brief look. Cooper stops talking for a moment before he surprises both Kurt and Blaine by leaning forward and wrapping his arms around them again.

‘Cooper, what the-’

‘There’s so much love in the air,’ Cooper sighs dramatically. Kurt pretends he doesn’t notice, but behind Blaine’s annoyed facade, there’s still a part of him that craves his brother’s love and approval.

And Kurt knows they both gained it wholly.

 

* * *

Kurt and Blaine skip practice that day to show Cooper around the circus instead. It’s strange, showing Cooper so much of his life, when Blaine has tried to block Cooper out of it for so many years.

Seeing Kurt embrace another man unlocked strange, jealous things in Blaine that Blaine was all too familiar with. The thought that Kurt might prefer Cooper over Blaine in the same way Blaine’s parents do, even if Cooper is straight, terrifies Blaine.

But even if Kurt is listening to every word Cooper says, he is still holding hands with Blaine. Even if Kurt isn’t looking at Blaine, Blaine knows that Kurt is aware of his every move. Even if Kurt is practically leading Blaine while they walk around tents and trailers, he’s still mindful to pause whenever Blaine  has trouble catching up with them.

Kurt smiles when Cooper gushes over the lion cubs but it isn’t the smile he smiles when he’s alone with Blaine.

These are little things, but it have always been the little things that make all the difference to Blaine. Because even if his family isn’t here, Cooper  _is,_ and that’s good enough. And even if Kurt blushes whenever Cooper smiles at him, Kurt still loves Blaine with all of his heart.

And in the end? 

Kurt begged  _Blaine_ not to leave. It was Kurt who was terrified of Blaine leaving and even if Blaine secretly knows he feels the same way, he also knows that Kurt desires  _him._

Not Cooper. Never Cooper or anyone else. Kurt is his and Blaine is Kurt’s.

‘- so I thought that maybe when I talk to your boss, I can -’

‘Wait, what?’ Blaine asks. He blinks up from his thoughts and Kurt blinks at him, too. They catch each other’s eye and Kurt looks at him in a way that makes Blaine shiver because he remembers last night all of a sudden, the way they’d clung to each other, the way they’d bruised each other up in the most brilliant way. From the tightening of Kurt's grip on his hand, he can tell that Kurt remembers it too. They both don't regret a thing.

‘Cooper’s thinking about joining the circus too,’ Kurt finally says. Blaine has to tear his eyes away from Kurt’s to look at Cooper, who looks at him with a brilliant smile on his face.

‘Why?’ Blaine asks. Cooper shrugs.

‘Hollywood isn’t what people say it is. Fact is that when you're there, you're simply replaceable and I’d rather not risk losing my job to someone hotter and/or younger than me. This… The way Kurt’s been telling be about it – the circus sounds amazing. Like family.’

That last word strikes a nerve inside of Blaine and he is uncertain if he is getting defensive or upset. Kurt’s thumb is tracing circles on the back of his hand and it grounds Blaine. He shivers.

‘It is,’ Blaine admits and he glances at Kurt from the corner of his eye. How is he supposed to keep quiet about that? The circus gave him a place to shine, the circus was what brought him and Kurt together, and here he's accepted no matter what. The circus has so much more to offer than just family. ‘But what about our parents?’

Blaine doesn’t ask why they aren’t here because he knows already. They don’t care. They think Blaine is a failure anyway and it hurts but he’s slowly getting over it. The smile on Cooper’s face falters and he looks at the lions again. One of them yawns.

‘I got in a fight with them too.’ Blaine blinks at him and Kurt looks uncertain of himself. His hand untangles from Blaine’s and Blaine instantly reaches for it.

‘Stay,’ he says and Kurt seems to hesitate before he finally nods. Kurt is allowed to know everything about Blaine. He’s seen Blaine at his most vulnerable, for God’s sake. ‘About what?’

‘About you. Look, Blaine – I know I’ve been a jackass. I never should’ve let you go, and I never should’ve thought that maybe you’d return eventually. I should’ve picked your side.’ Cooper’s eyes linger on Kurt’s face but Blaine keeps holding Kurt’s hand, keeps him still and keeps him from leaving. Finally Cooper’s eyes meet Blaine’s again and he looks almost tearful. ‘I’m really, really sorry, B. I was so busy enjoying everyone’s attention that I didn’t even know that you were lonely… And when I told our parents that the way they’ve been treating you was unfair and that they were bad parents for not even caring about you, they pretty much kicked me out. They don’t want me anymore.’

Cooper used to be the apple of their parents’ eyes and something inside Blaine tells him that this isn’t the complete story. But it’ll do, for now.

He nods slowly.

‘Okay,’ he mumbles. ‘I guess they’re still looking for lion tamers.’

As if on que, one of the lions roars and Cooper flinches and jumps away from where he’s been standing right next to the cage. Blaine can’t help but laugh and Kurt chuckles too.

‘You know. If you can handle that.’

‘I’m not afraid of lions!’ Cooper exclaims, like the mere thought offends him. Kurt snorts and Blaine shrugs his shoulders. They all choose to ignore the fact that Cooper looks a bit paler after that.

 

* * *

‘What do you think about Cooper being here?’ Kurt asks at night, when Cooper’s snoring in their shared trailer. They both don't mind - they're sleeping in the other trailer they got a long time ago when they became more succesful and brought the circus more money. They never really used it for anything but an extra dressing room, but they know that sleeping in the same trailer Cooper sleeps in isn't an option. They both enjoyed sleeping naked with each other far too much for that. 

Their hands are swinging together in between their bodies and the warm summer breeze makes Blaine shiver pleasantly, a small frown on his face.

‘It’s… unexpected,’ Blaine starts, unsure as to how to voice his thoughts.

‘A good unexpected, though?’ Kurt prompts him. They make to sit down in the grass – Kurt smiles and rolls his eyes when Blaine takes off his cardigan and spreads it on the ground beforehand, knowing how much Kurt hates grass stains. He lets Kurt settle down on it and they both stare at the starry sky. A comfortable silence falls between them.

‘I thought I’d never see him again,’ Blaine finally says. Kurt turns his head to look at him and Blaine doesn’t want to sound like a cliché, but underneath the moonlight Kurt’s eyes really do shine in the most beautiful way. He shakes his head as if to rid himself of such thoughts. ‘It hurts that my parents didn’t even try to find me. But in a way it feels good to have Cooper here. I really want him to be a part of my life again.’

Kurt hums and rests his head on Blaine’s chest, listening to his lazy heartbeat.

‘I’m really glad that he isn’t your ex.’

Blaine can’t help but laugh at that and even if Kurt looks a bit irritated at the sound of it, eventually he winds up laughing too. Blaine thinks that if anyone were to see them right now they’d think that Kurt and Blaine have lost their minds. Nothing could be more wrong. Kurt makes things right for him, Kurt makes Blaine  _alive._

‘Oh my God, Kurt,’ Blaine finally manages to say, ‘I can’t believe you instantly thought that.’

‘How can I not?’ Kurt instantly exclaims. ‘A good looking guy suddenly pops up, you get all emotional, he tells you he  _loves_ you -’

‘But I told you I had a brother,’ Blaine replies. ‘Didn’t it come up to you that…?’ Blaine trails off and Kurt’s silence says enough. Kurt didn’t expect Blaine’s family to come looking for him. Blaine isn’t sure why that hurts so much, so suddenly. The laughter instantly fades from his lips, from his eyes, and a worried little frown takes it place instead.

‘Hey, don’t give me that look,’ Kurt instantly says as soon as he notices. He sits so he’s straddling Blaine’s hips and he stares at him for a while.

Blaine stares up at him and he caresses Kurt’s clothed skin – he can see Kurt shiver. All this touching is still new to them but Blaine likes it. He likes the intimacy between them and even though he’s familiar with Kurt’s body now, there are still so many places left unexplored.

‘It’s not that I think that no one would come looking for you, Blaine.’ Kurt caresses the side of Blaine’s face with his knuckles and sucks on his bottom lip for a short moment. ‘You know I’d travel the world to see you. Most of our audience do, too.’

That’s true and they both know it. It’s a lot of pressure but fact is that they have a lot of fans. People simply love them and their talent. They’ve been on tv plenty of times too.

‘I know,’ Blaine confirms. He momentarily closes his eyes and sneaks his hand underneath Kurt’s shirt, caressing the soft skin of his belly. He briefly thinks of what it looks like when Kurt’s come is drying there and he inhales a sharp breath. When he opens his eyes, Kurt’s looking at him and Blaine knows he’s mirroring that hungry look in Kurt’s eyes.

‘You’re very special, Blaine.’

Kurt’s words are a mere whisper but they send shivers down Blaine’s spine regardless – it makes him feel heavy and hot and achy and when he drags his nails over Kurt’s skin and Kurt moans, he can’t help but lean up and kiss him.

Their lips slide wetly over each other and Blaine find himself so, so painfully in love that it’s hard to breathe. He understands what Kurt tries to say, he really does. It’s not that Kurt didn’t expect anyone to go looking for Blaine, it’s just that he hadn’t thought anyone would find him. Not from all the way across the country, and not with all this traveling they do.

Blaine licks his way into Kurt’s mouth and Kurt just  _sighs_ and melts more into him and before they know it they’re lying in the grass on top of each other, hands linked, tongues dancing, lips kissing and hips rutting. Blaine feels warm and safe like this, he feels  _right._ He can’t believe they spent so much time  _not_ doing this.

‘Kurt -’

‘I know, I know,’ Kurt instantly pants, tugging on Blaine’s bottom lip in a way that makes Blaine groan and tighten his grip on Kurt’s hips. Their clothed cocks rub together deliciously and it makes Blaine’s skin tingle. He loves Kurt’s weight on top of him, he loves  _Kurt._ He wishes he told Kurt all of this before.

‘I love you, I really do,’ Blaine manages to say and Kurt momentarily stops. He looks down at Blaine, his hands firmly planted at either side of Blaine’s head and Blaine licks his lips. Kurt’s are puffy and red, they taste even more delicious than they look. ‘I know this isn’t the time but you’re the love of my life. I want to hold you this close for the rest of my life.’

No, this is definitely not the right time. Not when they’re both hard and achy, not when they’re both aroused and barely able to think straight. But Blaine doesn’t care. What he cares for are the tears welling up in Kurt’s eyes, the flush on Kurt’s pale skin that he even can see in the weak moonlight. They’re good tears and Kurt’s smiling – this is the only way Blaine ever wants to see Kurt cry. He’s open and honest like this.

‘Blaine,’ Kurt starts, but Blaine doesn’t let him finish. He can’t, not with all these things he feels for Kurt suddenly spilling over, making his chest feel tight. He really doesn’t care that they’re out in the open air, and he doesn’t care that somewhere in the distance he can still hear the laughter of the dancers and clowns and whatnot where they’re drinking in their trailer. What Blaine cares for is that even though they both got their own trailers after making the circus so much money, Kurt still wanted to share his trailer with Blaine before becoming his boyfriend even if Kurt once stated that he needs his personal space. What Blaine cares about is that Kurt loves Blaine too, he knows it, and Kurt needs and wants Blaine just as much as Blaine needs and wants Kurt.

Blaine knows no one will ever love him as purely, as good as Kurt does right now.

‘I want to slowdance with you and I want to sing stupid love songs to you, and I never want to stop surprising you, and I always want to hold your hand and kiss you whenever you want -’ he’s ranting now, Blaine knows this. He knows his sentences come out as nothing but word vomit but that’s okay because Kurt  _gets_ him. He always does. ‘- and you’re so beautiful, I  _promise_ I’ll never leave, promise I’ll never stop wanting you or needing you – and I don’t even care that you’re looking at me like I’m crazy right now. I just really,  _really_ adore you, Kurt, and you know I’ll do whatever you’ll ask me to. Anything.’

Kurt’s blinking hard now, his adam’s apple bobbing up and down every time he swallows thickly. Blaine wishes Kurt would just say something and he can feel his anxiety rear its ugly head.

Finally, Kurt shifts on top of Blaine and gets up. He pulls Blaine up with ease and he kisses Blaine so hard that it knocks the breath right out of him. He gasps into Kurt’s mouth but Kurt doesn’t seem to care, he just suddenly seems so desperate and when Blaine feels wetness on his cheeks he realizes Kurt is crying.

But it’s a good cry.

‘Come – let’s go to your trailer,’ Kurt finally says, his hands holding Blaine’s tightly. Blaine stares into Kurt’s eyes before he just manages a nod, his lips parted and swollen and his body eager to have Kurt’s against it. Cooper knows where Blaine’s trailer is, it’s right next to Kurt’s.

Kurt returns all of these feelings Blaine has for him inside. Of course he does. Silly of Blaine to think that he wouldn’t.

And as they make their way to Blaine’s trailer and fall into a heap on Blaine’s bed, and moan and whimper and touch and taste and  _mark,_ Blaine knows that he doesn’t need his family anymore. When Kurt slides into him for the first time and makes love to him for the first time, Blaine knows that he won’t need anything anymore. He already found something much better, something that will always heal him, something that will always be his voice of reason whenever he loses control over himself.

And that's Kurt and his love.

 


End file.
